Breakup Letter with Geese


Dear Geese,

After a long and thoughtful consideration of our relationship I would like to formally submit my break up letter. While I would love to admit fault in this relationship I just cannot. It is not me, it’s you. Please take a moment and read my complaints laid out below that prove that I am undeserving of such a difficult and tenuous relationship. Hopefully these words will help you discover your inner, better, self.  Allowing for a more meaningful relationships in the future.

Complaint #1 – You are not consistent

As a hunter I often see wild creatures. When I do they are often in no mood to be anywhere near me. Except you goose, you think I am going to give you bread in the park. You think that I am going to feed you my last bit of popcorn. You trust me – that is until you are outside city limits. Then, as if by some miracle pill, you are suddenly so wild that my best antelope stalk can’t get me near you. I am in need of a consistent partner, you my honking “friend” cannot provide that aspect of the relationship.

Complaint #2 – Our relationship is in the pits

Look, the only time I ever hang out in a hole in the ground on the side of a farmers field in the middle of a snow/rain/sleet storm is when I am chasing after you. While I enjoy the close quarters this often provides me to my gun toting buddies and their smelly dogs – I just find the whole “pit sitting” thing a bit much to handle.

Complaint #3 – You won’t even let me watch

Even when I do go through the pit sitting I do not even get the common courtesy of watching you. You tease me with the loud honking, the wing buffs, the circling around the decoys. AND I CAN’T EVEN WATCH! What kind of a tease are you! So I sit with my face looking down at my boots listening to another grown ass man call for you. I tremble at the thought of you actually stopping and committing to my decoys. My anticipation borders on neurosis. This is not a foundation for a relationship built on trust.

Complaint #4 – I feel like we have just been cold to each other

It is often said that the “best goose weather is bad weather” – and by bad weather they mean cold. Like freezing cold. Like what they hell am I doing here in a snow storm unable to feel my toes cold. This is all you have ever known for a relationship, but as a human I need more. I don’t have what you have – the feathers, the ability to move when the mood strikes. Migrating might work for you, but this is my home. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is just passing through.

Complaint #5 – The lack of commitment

No matter how much I call you, or don’t call you, you simply will not commit on a consistent basis. Look I know you have been hurt in the past. You might have trust issues. You only like to go to “fields” you know –but I need something out of this relationship too. Since you won’t work with me, I have decided to move my relationship forward and start seeing your cousin – the duck.

Complaint #6 – The other men and women you see

Maybe I am vain in thinking that I should be the only man you visit. But when I get on my Facebook account – boom – there you are spreading the love all over the place. I know I don’t own the big trailer of decoys. I don’t own the fancy calls or have the fancy leases on the prime ground. And if that is what matters to you then I am in the wrong place.

But hell, I even saw you with my buddies’ son! He is sixteen for god’s sake. How do you sleep at night knowing the pain you cause me? I expect fidelity in a relationship but in this Tinder age you are not what I need right now.

Complaint #7 – I tried, I really did

I watched the videos. I went to the seminars. I learned your language. None of it helped. But really do wish you the best in the future. I hope others can provide you what you need to have a stable relationship.

In closing I would like to keep the door open on our relationship. I think we need to stay “acquainted” but I won’t be calling. Maybe we should change our status to “it’s complicated” on Facebook. When given the opportunity I will still pursue you, but don’t expect me to try all that hard. That said, if you are ever lonely and need a place to stay, my freezer is always open.

Best wishes from the broken hearted,


Randy King


Humor aside geese are a hard to kill, super smart and incredibly rewarding animal to hunt. But, by far, the most impressive thing about them is the quality of the meat. While I lament my time hunting them I frequently receive geese as “gifts” from other hunters. I don’t usually mind this but I assume that the reason I get the meat is a lack cooking skill of the hunters.

Now some will argue that a goose is one big liver in the sky – and when overcooked I totally understand. But when treated with respect a goose can be flat out delicious. Below is recipe for Goose Pastrami – it is really simple and really good. The meat will taste especially good in the goose pit as a sandwich split with a buddies dog.

The Recipe – Goose Pastrami

To make this it requires a few steps and a little time but it is well worth it.

***A note on the Insta Cure in the recipe below – this is a pink powder that is available at most sporting goods stores and at butcher shops. The goal with “pink salt” is too properly, and safely, cure the meat. It also give the meat its distinctive pink color. (Otherwise the meat might taste similar but will be a flat grey color.) Some will argue that it causes cancer – well ill risk cancer in the future to avoid botulism today.


2 skinless Canada goose (Speck and Snow Geese are to small)

1 ½ tablespoons kosher salt (see recipe notes)

1 teaspoon Insta Cure #1

1/8 cup “Pickling Spice”

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1 ½ tablespoon fresh ground black pepper, divided

1/4 red wine (water will work, but wine makes most things better)

1 tablespoon ground coriander

In a gallon sized Ziploc bag add the salt, sugar, curing salt, pickling spice, brown sugar and half the black pepper. Shake the hell out the bag to mix up the spices. Next add the goose breasts and shake the hell out of the bag again. This should evenly coat the goose breasts in the mix. Place the bag in the fridge for 36-48 hours. Make sure to turn it over at some point in the process.

Remove the breasts from the bag and give them a quick rinse in the sink. A little bit of brine might be stuck to the outside, this is ok. Place on a wire rack and back into the fridge for 12-24 hours. This will make the goose breasts “sticky” – it is creating a pellicle that is sticky and will absorb the smoke. THIS STEP is vital to good smoked meat.

Next dip the goose in the red wine, then sprinkle the goose meat with the remaining pepper and the ground coriander.

Smoke the goose meat, I used mesquite and it was great, until it reaches 145 degrees. Cool before slicing and use the meat for a deli meat applications – sandwiches, cheese boards and the goose pit.

One thought on “Breakup Letter with Geese

  1. Good stuff – I found you on PETA site. If people are concearned about cancer they can use pink sea salt – it’s extra expensive.

    Keep on posting grovey recipes.

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